Yesterday I could find good in this. I didn’t feel fabulous, the elements weren’t any different from what I am faced with today, but I could find perspective and appreciate where I was and see value in it as a worthwhile season. Today… today is a struggle. Today I feel physically lousy, and emotionally like I am brimming over. How many more weeks will this “flair up” last? Will it be days? Will it be months? Sometimes things will change from hour to hour.
I have let go of and re-scheduled my life for about 2 to 3 weeks straight. Considering my normal rebellious nature, I actually felt pretty proud of myself last week for forcing myself to focus on listening to my body and simply resting and making recovery my job. I know this is what I needed, and it is what I still need. But how long can you shift and shuffle things around before they become an avalanche that starts to tip and overflow into chaos? People can be empathetic, but only up to a point. It seems that there is a statute of limitations on excusing someone from their commitments and obligations, and that limit varies from person to person. Though I have learned to be a master at the art of delegation, if you delegate your entire life… is it still yours? Besides that, there are SOME things that I alone have to do and be responsible for… unless of course I completely back out and let go of ALL responsibilities… permanently…which… I’m still being pretty stubborn about this short list of things that I participate in and call my own, and I am hanging on as tightly to those as I can.
I know my mood will change and I will find positive in this again soon. I have learned that even an hour of feeling well is often enough of a chance for me to renew and remember what life feels like again and extend my hope and vision for things.
But for now… for this moment…
I am tired, I am sad, and I am sick…and I think that is ok. It is reasonable to feel this way when you are worn down and beaten up for such a lengthy season. Today, I am giving myself permission to be that for just a little while.