Tears of Sadness, Tears of Joy

Tears of Joy because I have had two weeks of feeling well,  and am beginning to re-enter my life

Tears of sadness because I’ve missed a lot of the last 5 years.

Tears of joy because I am excited about what is ahead.

Tears of sadness because I am terrified of the possibility of it all being taken away again at some time.  And that is so painful.  Every time.

Tears of joy because I get to spend time with my children and enjoy them this weekend and truly be present in the moment without the usual fog of feeling poorly that is so hard to see through.

Tears of sadness because my children reject me right now, because they are afraid too. And these things take time.

As much as I have been trying lately to build my home in the center of being sick and being well because of the fear of moving back into one place or the other, the truth and reality more resembles the swinging from side to side of a pendulum, than it resembles me just sitting/settling on neutral ground.  For two weeks I have been resting on the side of being well, and I am thankful for that.  Physically, I have been resting there.  My emotions are still swinging back and forth with the remaining momentum, as are my actions, choices, and plans for the days to come.  This morning I am flooded with all of the emotion that I have been pushing inside.

Tears of sadness, tears of joy. 

Because the truth is, this is the hardest season I have ever been in.  And the truth is that somewhere along the road I lost the damn instruction manual.  So it is just me now making up the rules, taking next steps.  And it always feels that there is so much on the line if I make the wrong move.  But one foot in front of the other is the best I can do.  So here I go again.

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