There is this scene in the movie “That Thing You Do”, that I often think of when I sit down to blog. There is a little confrontation taking place between the lead singer and the bass player in a band and in the middle of the argument the singer exclaims “well I guess I am alone in my principles” and leaves the room. The bass player then quips “Oh, there he goes off to his room to write that next hit song “Alone in my Principles.” Though it’s not usually social confrontation that gets me to this place, but more an internal debate, I often hear this quote in my head when I isolate myself and start to spill everything on the page, kinda makes me laugh at myself a bit. Which is good… sometimes it gets too serious in this over analytical mind of mine. It seems it is in my darkest times, my moodiest times that I turn to my blog as a place to express myself. When it comes to feeling well and loving life, I am more of a “doer” than a writer I guess…
It seems I’ve had to call a “T” recently. Had to have the dreaded conversation that any type A personality can creatively procrastinate for the longest amounts of time. Yup. You guessed it. I had to ask for help.
I hate this moment. This moment when after having a season of going strong, feeling productive, embracing “normal”, that I have to see, speak, and acknowledge the three words I avoid. I am sick. Ugh. Just writing that causes a deep sense of disappointment to form in the pit of my stomach. It’s not that I forgot, or that I would give anyone else any shame for saying those words…I just want so desperately to “overcome” this. Like, it’s and obstacle that I need to surmount, overtake, and check off of my ever growing to-do list. And sometimes… just to give myself this little pat on the back, I pretend that I’ve done so. Sometimes I can pretend for an hour, sometimes for a week, and sometimes I have pretended for months on end. But when it comes down to it I AM sick, and it shouldn’t be something I take as failure. I know this, but of course there is a big difference between knowing something intellectually, and accepting it emotionally. You would think after almost 5 years of dealing with physical limitations of this nature that I would be an old pro! But the back and forth, the up and down…it never truly becomes normal, maybe just a bit more familiar.
After the initial fight with the facts (I’ve been pushing too hard, not taking care of myself, avoiding the dr…etc), I have begun to see these times as an opportunity to not only rest and restore myself physically, but also to indulge a bit artistically, maybe do a little spiritual seeking, a little mental/emotional health inventory. I want to use this. I am NOT down and out. I may be physically stuck in bed, but my mind, my emotions, my relationships, and my creative energies are going to be stimulated and stretched, and I’m going to keep growing damn it. And when that moment comes (that is also a pretty tough moment for me to accept), that I start to admit that I am strong enough to take on a little more and more physically… I’m going bring this new strength with me. We are more than just physical beings after all, and I have too much to do in my life to waste any time waiting on the sidelines.