Perfection

Someday I’m gonna make some money

And when I do I’m gonna buy me some energy

Take things back to where they used to be

Back to the days where mornings began

With joy and zest and a refreshed plan

Or maybe I’ll buy a magic wand

And make my body young and strong

Lift this fog filling my head

Set a fire to this damn bed

Someday that’s what I’ll do

I promise I’ll buy what you want too

 

Someday I’m gonna find my stride

I’ll pick you up and we can go for a ride

I’ll bring along a little happiness

You can drink it up & then we’ll laugh at this

You’ll look back & you’ll forget

What it once felt like to have regret

Maybe I’ll bring a little freedom too

And I will pour it all over you

I’ll brand this day with my new tattoo

Someday that’s what I’ll do

But today I’ll just be sad with you

 

I would never have created this

This structure that I perceived to be the end of me

But now that I’m here I clearly see

The girl I wasshe was killing me

No one should have to hurt that way

The pain I feel now pales against that day

You can torture me with this make believe

But I’ll be fine after I grieve

I’ll shake that off and I’ll wear it well

And the ghosts from the past can stay in hell

Because that’s a place I no longer dwell

 

Yes, sometimes I read history

But I leave it where it’s supposed to be

And they are still there, it’s plain to see

Sad, it’s true, but it has to be

Some of us are satisfied

To live our lives with narrow minds

To close our eyes to the pain we’ve caused

Bound to our choices, bound to what was

But I’m not sorry to say that I’m moving on

I’ll miss them there, but they’ve withdrawn

I’m gonna go on… and on… and on

 

So here’s to the ones who have overcome

The pain, like a loss, will fade on its own

As long as we walk, as long as we’ve grown

The past gives us strength to make a new home

I think I’m going to paint the walls

Plant a garden, dance down the halls

And ya maybe I’ll make some money

But I don’t need it to make this place sunny

Maybe I’ll just open the doors

Give what I have to you and yours

Use this peace to subdue the wars

 

And friend I think I’ve found my stride

So ya, let’s go ahead and take that ride

I’ll leave behind the magic wand

It’s not perfect, but there’s more beyond

I’ll still give you that happiness

We’ll still throw our heads back and laugh at this

Please don’t forget…let’s just reminisce

Just steal a glance in the rearview

But know that it’s all a part of you

And without you, what would we do?

It’s not perfection but let’s see it through

Change

I’m feeling some change coming on.  Not just because it is a brand new year, (but that certainly is inspiring to me), but I’m just in a new place in my life.  My goal in beginning this blog was originally intended to give voice to my inner and external struggles and create transparency by doing so.  Hoping that by exposing the things in my life that people would typically much prefer for you to keep tucked away, that someone somewhere might connect and realize that they are not alone in their struggles, and find encouragement/inspiration in that.  My specific focus being initially on sharing my goal and experience of living well with chronic illness, as well as the healing journey that I have had through my personal experience of dealing with verbal abuse in my childhood.   Now that I have been blogging for a little while and also transitioned to some new places in my life I am feeling that I would like to expand beyond these topics though they might still be the predominant factors in my life a lot of the time, or of course the “undertone” throughout my writing.

The very first line on my “About” page currently starts with the very point-blank statement “I am sick.”, and that is a very accurate statement and one I needed to make at that time for a number of reasons; First being that I wanted to make sure to be completely candid about the fact that a Chronic Illness has completely turned my life upside down.  It affects just about every choice I make and filters through every part of my life.  Every day.   Another reason I felt compelled to make this statement so clearly was because I wanted to make sure that I didn’t allow myself to fall into denial of what I am dealing with and I wanted to force myself to stop acting like sickness is something that I needed to hold my head down for, to be ashamed of.

Now I am writing from a very different place.  I HAVE accepted that I am sick.  I don’t try to deny it or pretend that it isn’t there.  I don’t feel ashamed that this is something that I deal with.  It hasn’t stopped affecting my life, it hasn’t resolved, gone away, or even gotten better.  But I am different now.  I am writing from a place of wholeness.  Being sick is not WHO I am.  It is a part of who I am at this time (and likely always will be), a BIG part, but I am more than just sick.  In so many ways I am WELL actually.  I have healed from so much that had been holding me back for so long.  I see growth and learning where there were formerly open wounds, confusion, and self loathing.

I am an entrepreneur, I am a devoted mother, I am a photographer, I am an employer, I am a friend, a sister, a daughter, a wife, an artist, a writer, an advocate for many causes, and of course there are more facets to myself that I am leaving out and many new areas that are in formation that I have yet to uncover (scary isn’t it?? J).  I am more confident than I have ever been, yet of course still learning and growing in many many ways.

I am…

“Becoming”. 

Not yet at my destination (should we ever be?), but in constant motion and on an introspective journey to apply what I have learned thus far, (phew! And this is certainly a challenge to go from recognition to action!)  that I am sincerely loving and embracing as my mission and purpose in life.

That being said, I am feeling the need to revamp my blog and write from THIS place versus as someone who is sick, or someone who has been a victim, though these are included in the whole that is me.

So…will see where this goes.  Kind of exciting to watch things evolve.

Thanks for being along on the ride.

Transparency

Here it is

All of it

No holding back

Not the slightest bit

Here I am

Judge and throw stones

Embrace and applaud

Do what you will

I am here still.

 

Transparency, this is all of me.

There is none to gain, from hiding pain.

I know I risk it all.  But either way I’m gonna fall, either way I’m going to fall.

So take it.  Leave it.  Walk away or pull me close.  In the end it’s all the same.

There is none to gain, from hiding pain.

 

Your words

Well they sting

I’m not going to lie

Your eyes say it all

But go ahead and continue

To fill your mind with superior thoughts

That is your right

Do what you will

I am here still

Your smiles

I do take pride

Like you owe them to me

Your accolades

I desire them

And approval is a deep craving

But I know they all fade

So please… just do what you will

And I will keep being.  I will be here still.