A Scary Little Glimpse Inside of the Mind of Yours Truly

So, I thought it might be fun to share my writing “process” with you just a bit.  Primarily because, I’m just realizing that I do have a “process” now, and I find that to be rather peculiar, slightly amusing, and for some odd reason somewhat reassuring as well.

First, let me give you a little background on where I am coming from at this time.  The ups and downs with my health recently have honestly been so overwhelming for me that I have sincerely been struggling and very discouraged.  I have seen my physical symptoms go from threatening and irritating, to all-consuming and out of control.  I glaze over these things in my blog typically because I some slight part of me that feels I should be keeping it under control.  I may begin sharing a little more detail on this at some point, as well as more about the course of treatment that I am currently choosing, but for now… back to my process.

The first step seems to begin with my pondering, analyzing and searching my feelings for quite some time, before I can formulate any words.  The feelings well up inside of me so strongly that I sometimes feel as if I am suffocating and can not see anything else until I find some artistic expression or home for them.  Specifically regarding the poem I am introducing below, in the middle of this dark space that I have been in, I have been fortunate to have just a handful of VIP’s in my life, that have been patient with me, persistent when I pull back, and encouraging me along with amazing sensitivity.  Yesterday evening I saw just a glimmer of light in that dark space as I was sitting up awake with my pain level being too high for me to comfortably sleep and at the same time wrestling with anxiety about how to handle the next day,  and that glimmer came along as I had the opportunity to banter with a few of these special people in my life.   After a few hours of good conversation, I finally felt ready to relax, rest, and call it a night, yet I suddenly began to feel overcome with gratitude for my husband, my two little girls, and these amazing friends that are so often holding me up on this journey.   As I embraced this small, yet refreshing glimpse of hope in the middle of the cloud that I had been in, I had such a clear visual come to my mind of a spark of light coming in to a window in a dark room. “Windows, there are windows!” I thought…or maybe I should say, I remembered for the first time in a very long season.  I have felt so very stuck and utterly surrounded by this familiar and frustrating set of limitations that I completely lost sight of anything beyond this, and was I was pretty convinced that the walls were closing in on me.

Just as I begin to embrace the peace of sorting through the thick fog of feelings, I would say that my writing process then truly begins and this build up of feelings that can often take what seems like an eternity of snowballing has suddenly become an enormous and undeniable force that I feel I can no longer contain and keep to myself!  I then follow up with something resembling the first paragraph below, which is the equivalent of me “throwing up” on the page, and has no rhythm, structure, or poetic flow, and then somehow in the midst of this mess I interrupt myself with what becomes a little more of a controlled form of organized and balanced communication, and the end result is with this evolving into something more like the second portion of the writing below.

The first paragraph that I am sharing with you is actually what I initially sat down and began writing yesterday evening, and the second is the poem that developed after my first messy explosion on the page.  And though, I can say that the end result here is not a masterpiece by any means, this gives you just a little insight into what it took to get to that neat and tidy “blip” that becomes the final draft that I share with you all.  When it is all said and done I feel like I have been through something and am completely exhausted, yet at the same time I also feel as if I have lost a bit of weight that has been bogging me down and can finally be released to move forward to a new place.  So this little poem may seem rather “trite”, and cute, but don’t let the length fool you.  That baby is packed so tightly with emotion, background, and little pieces of my soul, and is never something that is rattled off without thought or significance, no matter how small or simple the final presentation appears to be! 🙂

And with that, before I share this poem, I want to insert this little aside… The writing below is just me saying Thank You, to all of those that are sticking with me through the trenches.  For unique reasons, different depths of relationship, some as simple as a smile, others for allowing me to expose all of my ugliness and candor, I want to say thank you and call out a few VIP’s: Derek, Amanda, Sandrine, Jennifer Z., Judy, Tanya, Wyatt, Christina C., Deirdre, Lisa, Charlene, Whitney N., all of my new “blog friends” that are walking this same path right along with me: Kate, Jane, Trisha, Sandy, Heather, (Gentle Hugs to you guys, and may you all find many “windows” & angels to lead you there & clear the fog when you grow weary). I don’t really understand why you all have decided to travel this road along with me, but I am forever grateful to you, and my heart is full because of your love and devotion.


Round one (or as I tend to endearingly label as: me throwing up on the page) :   

often times the fog is so heavy that when I look around I forget that there are Windows in this room. Thank you for reminding me that they are there.   It can get so stuffy in here, and my vision can become so limited.  Sometimes the pain becomes so bad, that I just forget what Laughter feels like.  Thank you for bringing me joy, for making me smile, until laughter comes and renews everything like the rain refreshes in the springtime.

Final Draft (which originally interrupted the lines above and was intended to be a continuation of what I was writing – until I recognized what had happened and added on the title):

Windows

There are windows in this room

There is something more than pain

There is strength to be found

And laughter will come like rain.

Sometimes I need a little help

Clearing the murky view

But once it is wiped away

On the other side is you.

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4 thoughts on “A Scary Little Glimpse Inside of the Mind of Yours Truly

  1. I normally don’t understand poetry but I love yours! I can really relate to what you are saying and you say it so beautifully. It’s cool that you’ve discovered your process! I wish I could discover my writing process…maybe then I could get to writing! I’m very happy you have so many people to be with you on your journey and I’m grateful to be able to share a small part of it through the blogging world. Gentle hugs to you.

    • 🙂 Thank you so much Tanya. You are so so sweet, and I look forward to getting to know you even more. Having a friend be patient enough to get to know me through all of the madness that comes with this illness is evidence of a relationship worth fighting for. Hope to see you live in person soon! 🙂

  2. I meant to post a comment the other day and realized I hadn’t. I absolutely love this! There is a window, and I’m on the other side dancing a jig in the middle of the night – laughing with you. Hope and restoration is coming my friend!

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