I Try Not to Hate Her

I try not to hate her

But I do.  I really do very often hate her.

She’s just so awkward.  She can hardly put sentences together.  She repeats herself constantly, and can’t seem to remember that she’s told you that same thing over and over again.

She used to be sharp.  When she had something to say, she could find the words easily, quickly, without all of the frustration.  I really thought she was smart.  That she was going to do big things.  Now, she often spends so much time trying to find the word she was looking for that she forgets what it was that she was going to say in the first place.  It’s like she’s become… unintelligent, and scattered.

She used to be passionate about taking care of herself and she was really active.  She loved to exercise.  She would go running, go to yoga classes, do workout videos at home; she even loved playing basketball… she was super competitive.  I really thought she’d always do those things and even wind up trying new things as life went on.  But now… she hardly does anything honestly.  She looks tired all the time, she looks way older (even though it really hasn’t been that long)… and she’s completely out of shape.  She gets completely drained from the most basic activities and complains about stupid things like the heat outside on the way to the car, then winds up frustrated because the a/c bothers her once she’s inside again.  It’s kind of ridiculous.  If she sits down for like 30 minutes or so, she acts like she has trouble standing up and walking after that (you’d think she was in her 70s), and by the end of the day she seems like she really can’t walk well or stand at all without some kind of support.

Things were so different before.  She used to care about her appearance.  She would take time for herself, you know… she spend time doing the things that make a girl feel pretty.  It’s all so different now.  I mean, she was never the type whose favorite pastime was spending hours at the mall, but she at least used to care about looking nice.  At this point the only time she buys clothes or makeup, (or even just takes time to shave her legs) is when she absolutely has to.  It’s all just a chore now, and there’s just no room in her life anymore for that kind of thing.

I just get completely frustrated with her.  She knows that she should do certain things… like exercise, stop binging on junk or alcohol when she doesn’t feel well, or just go to the doctor for God’s sake, but she can’t even bring herself to pick up the phone to set the appointment.  She just sleeps, then works, then sleeps again, it’s like she doesn’t really connect to anything else anymore.  I don’t know… I guess she’s at least made some progress.  She’s been going to counseling for a little while now, and I know she’s at least trying to become more aware of doing basic things like drinking water, and stopping to eat during the day.

I wonder what her husband thinks though.  It has all got be pretty disappointing to him.  To think you are marrying one person, and years later wake up next to a completely different person.  They got married so young, so things went from this young woman who was ambitious and energetic, to *this*??  I honestly don’t even know how he can look at her sometimes.  It’s just sad.

Before all of this, she was way more involved with things around the house.  She did most of the cleaning, made grocery trips, cooked, and spent so much time with the kids.  Now she’s pretty much come to expect everyone else to handle the things around the house and really doesn’t even have the stamina to send the girls off to bed at night because if they have questions, need help with anything, or put up any kind of fight about bed time, she gets irritable and winds up not being able to handle it.

The sad part is, I kind of feel like things are just declining.  Lately it seems like it’s becoming harder and harder for her to do things for herself.  Her hands are curled up into an odd shape most of the time, like she has to force them to do their job, and she suddenly has to ask for help to do simple things, and I know that has got to be humiliating.  I’ve actually seen her give up and put things back away versus ask for help again with something that she *should* be able to do, and I don’t blame her.  I honestly wonder how much longer she’ll be able to drive, or to do her job.  It kind of seems like it won’t be long until she can’t handle these things either and winds up spending all of her time in bed.  What will happen to her marriage and relationships then?  Not that she really has many relationships anymore…

She’s got to be lonely.  She’s a completely different person than she used to be.  She doesn’t talk on the phone or go out with friends.  Well, she honestly doesn’t reach out to anyone or anything beyond work or family.  I think she’s embarrassed of how out of control her mind and body are… and it’s frustrating to try to have conversations with people who knew her then and be compared to who she used to be.  There’s no comparison.   I mean, people understand change to some degree, but this is not just the normal kind of change that comes with time and life… she’s a completely different person than who she used to be.  And if you can’t articulate things, if you can’t keep up… how can you really have friendships anyway?  Aren’t friendships built by spending time together, talking on the phone, going out, etc?  She can’t really handle those things at all, and when tries to, she’s winds up being so distracted because of being in pain that I’m not even sure she’s really connected to what’s going on.  I’m pretty sure she’s in her own world.  Like she’s watching and listening to life from another dimension.  It even seems like any little thing, even just a 10 minute phone conversation, or trying to go out to dinner,  is so draining to her that if she even actually gets herself to do these things, she winds up stuck in bed saying she’s exhausted all day the next day (or possibly several days).  I don’t know how she can live like that.

It’s like her life is just passing her by.  There are seasons these last few years to where she has actually spent weeks at a time in bed, never leaving the house, needing help with every little thing, and she doesn’t even get up to take a shower.  It’s like she’s just ok with missing out on her life, like she’s not even going to try anymore.  Her kids are growing.  They have grown, so much.  Kids can change so much in 7 years, and she’s missed so much of it just spending her time sleeping and working.  I don’t know how someone can live like that.  I don’t know how she stays motivated, or how she can really be happy like this.

I know I shouldn’t treat her so poorly.  I want to be proud of her… I want to love her for who she is now.

I try not to hate her.  But I do.  I really do very often hate her.

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