Just came across this today, thought I’d share.
Just came across this today, thought I’d share.
Superwoman arrived at my house today
Superwoman… according to my standards anyway
She swooped in this afternoon & took my sweet girl for a walk
She collected Roly-Polies, decorated sidewalks with chalk
After an excursion such as this, I personally would have been done
But not Superwoman, she felt great, and therefore errands were run
Balancing not one child’s demands, but two!! And, doing it with ease!
Chauffeuring like no other, handling traffic was a breeze
As I watched her throughout the day, she was all I wanted to be
But, when I really looked more closely, she didn’t at all resemble me.
There have been so many times, that I wished she would be here
But upon her arrival, I am distracted with my fear
Fear that when I see her moving through MY world with grace
That at any given moment I will take her place
Having moved from grief to acceptance, I felt so solid yesterday
Then Superwoman stopped by & left my progress in disarray.
The link above is to a song by Joshua Radin that I find encouraging every once in a while. Just a little reminder to those of you who are fighting through this day. We Are Ok. If you have to listen to this song on repeat, go for it. There will be a new day. It will be better. You are strong. You add value. Don’t lose hope. Rest, breathe, and remember the sunny days. They are not over, they are coming again. What will it take today to find encouragement? A cup of coffee? A phone call to a friend? Looking through old photos? Give yourself permission to find peace, and hold onto the little bit of hope that you can find. We Are Ok.
As I mentioned in my post yesterday, I am very fortunate to have such a great support system, and so many loving advocates and friends in my life. I came across this article that I thought may resonate with some of you out there who are traveling the same road whose friends and loved ones are trying to adjust and learn how to support you. Chronic illness is definitely an isolating business, and though it can be tricky (and tiring!) to manage relationships, build friendships, and include others in our lives, we still need people! These are some great ideas on how to support someone you love who is chronically ill, as well as their care-taker/children, who are fighting the battle and adjusting their lives as well. To view this article, simple follow the link above.
So, I thought it might be fun to share my writing “process” with you just a bit. Primarily because, I’m just realizing that I do have a “process” now, and I find that to be rather peculiar, slightly amusing, and for some odd reason somewhat reassuring as well.
First, let me give you a little background on where I am coming from at this time. The ups and downs with my health recently have honestly been so overwhelming for me that I have sincerely been struggling and very discouraged. I have seen my physical symptoms go from threatening and irritating, to all-consuming and out of control. I glaze over these things in my blog typically because I some slight part of me that feels I should be keeping it under control. I may begin sharing a little more detail on this at some point, as well as more about the course of treatment that I am currently choosing, but for now… back to my process.
The first step seems to begin with my pondering, analyzing and searching my feelings for quite some time, before I can formulate any words. The feelings well up inside of me so strongly that I sometimes feel as if I am suffocating and can not see anything else until I find some artistic expression or home for them. Specifically regarding the poem I am introducing below, in the middle of this dark space that I have been in, I have been fortunate to have just a handful of VIP’s in my life, that have been patient with me, persistent when I pull back, and encouraging me along with amazing sensitivity. Yesterday evening I saw just a glimmer of light in that dark space as I was sitting up awake with my pain level being too high for me to comfortably sleep and at the same time wrestling with anxiety about how to handle the next day, and that glimmer came along as I had the opportunity to banter with a few of these special people in my life. After a few hours of good conversation, I finally felt ready to relax, rest, and call it a night, yet I suddenly began to feel overcome with gratitude for my husband, my two little girls, and these amazing friends that are so often holding me up on this journey. As I embraced this small, yet refreshing glimpse of hope in the middle of the cloud that I had been in, I had such a clear visual come to my mind of a spark of light coming in to a window in a dark room. “Windows, there are windows!” I thought…or maybe I should say, I remembered for the first time in a very long season. I have felt so very stuck and utterly surrounded by this familiar and frustrating set of limitations that I completely lost sight of anything beyond this, and was I was pretty convinced that the walls were closing in on me.
Just as I begin to embrace the peace of sorting through the thick fog of feelings, I would say that my writing process then truly begins and this build up of feelings that can often take what seems like an eternity of snowballing has suddenly become an enormous and undeniable force that I feel I can no longer contain and keep to myself! I then follow up with something resembling the first paragraph below, which is the equivalent of me “throwing up” on the page, and has no rhythm, structure, or poetic flow, and then somehow in the midst of this mess I interrupt myself with what becomes a little more of a controlled form of organized and balanced communication, and the end result is with this evolving into something more like the second portion of the writing below.
The first paragraph that I am sharing with you is actually what I initially sat down and began writing yesterday evening, and the second is the poem that developed after my first messy explosion on the page. And though, I can say that the end result here is not a masterpiece by any means, this gives you just a little insight into what it took to get to that neat and tidy “blip” that becomes the final draft that I share with you all. When it is all said and done I feel like I have been through something and am completely exhausted, yet at the same time I also feel as if I have lost a bit of weight that has been bogging me down and can finally be released to move forward to a new place. So this little poem may seem rather “trite”, and cute, but don’t let the length fool you. That baby is packed so tightly with emotion, background, and little pieces of my soul, and is never something that is rattled off without thought or significance, no matter how small or simple the final presentation appears to be! 🙂
And with that, before I share this poem, I want to insert this little aside… The writing below is just me saying Thank You, to all of those that are sticking with me through the trenches. For unique reasons, different depths of relationship, some as simple as a smile, others for allowing me to expose all of my ugliness and candor, I want to say thank you and call out a few VIP’s: Derek, Amanda, Sandrine, Jennifer Z., Judy, Tanya, Wyatt, Christina C., Deirdre, Lisa, Charlene, Whitney N., all of my new “blog friends” that are walking this same path right along with me: Kate, Jane, Trisha, Sandy, Heather, (Gentle Hugs to you guys, and may you all find many “windows” & angels to lead you there & clear the fog when you grow weary). I don’t really understand why you all have decided to travel this road along with me, but I am forever grateful to you, and my heart is full because of your love and devotion.
often times the fog is so heavy that when I look around I forget that there are Windows in this room. Thank you for reminding me that they are there. It can get so stuffy in here, and my vision can become so limited. Sometimes the pain becomes so bad, that I just forget what Laughter feels like. Thank you for bringing me joy, for making me smile, until laughter comes and renews everything like the rain refreshes in the springtime.
There are windows in this room
There is something more than pain
There is strength to be found
And laughter will come like rain.
Sometimes I need a little help
Clearing the murky view
But once it is wiped away
On the other side is you.
Just a few things muddling around in my mind right now, as I think of the relationships that I have (and have had) in my life. Working on consistently being transparent, but my tendencies are pretty deep rooted, so these are just a few words about that struggle.
Sometimes I disappear
Sometimes it is because I am weak
And I don’t want you to see that
Because I know what weakness breeds
And I can’t handle your judgment
Nor can I handle your pity
And sometimes I think you can’t handle me
Because this kind of weak
Well, there is nothing heroic or beautiful about it
It can get just completely ugly and dark in here
And it will change the way that you perceive me
And that scares me
Sometimes I disappear
Sometimes because I am strong
And happy, and living, moving,
And I just don’t want to slow down
Because it is just so good
And if I stop
I may not ever stand up again
So I try to cram as much life into this one day
As I possibly can
And I achieve, and I win
And you look at me proudly
And that scares me as well
Not sure how to keep being true
Not sure if I have that kind of strength
I’m going to keep on trying,
Trying to stay here
I feel that it’s best to disappear.
This one is for all of you out there that are struggling with asking for or accepting help from others, and see it as some sort of failure or lack withing yourself. I know you are out there…because I am a part of your club. We can do this. Hope you enjoy the article, and this is another encouraging blog as well from the perspective of a Yoga lifestyle. Hope you enjoy. xoxo, Aimee
Another great Reblog for ya. Be sure to click the link to see the entire post. I am overwhelmed how absolutely similar Trisha’s description here is to my own journey. This stuff ain’t for sissies. 🙂 Thank you Trisha, for putting this into words. Well done, and I hope that you are feeling well today.
I get that I need to stay positive. I do get that. I get that our mind and our attitudes are so powerful, and that we can go so much further than our perceived limitations when we use these tools to our advantage. I know this. That being said, I can tell you that today I made a wish. I wished with all of the passion that I could muster within myself that I wouldn’t have to be creative about how to accomplish the things that I needed to accomplish today. I wished that I could just get up and do them. Every day I bait myself with various promises to keep motivated throughout the day, and honestly sometimes I get tired of being determined and putting “mind over matter”, and I just want it to be easy. We all have obstacles, and I know that many people have more challenges to deal with than I do, but every once in a while, I just wish that I could wake up and have a day off from being sick. OK or maybe a week off. I think that just a brief taste of feeling energetic and casting off this fog in my head and putting a stop to this stupid, nagging, aching would be so refreshing. I wonder what I would do. I wonder what that would be like. I’m pretty sure I would feel like superwoman, ready to take on the world!
I definitely lectured myself on why I needed to stop feeling sorry for myself and stop being so negative and really fought with myself to drop this “life is so unfair to me” mentality. But you know what? Life is truly hard sometimes, and we do need to make sure that we don’t dwell in the valleys, but is it possible that there is something to acknowledging that they exist? I think it might even be healthy to give yourself permission to just call it like it is, and say those charmingly impolite and crude, yet perfectly accurate words, THIS SUCKS. Yup, it does, it totally sucks, and now I move on to focusing my energies on gratitude and finding a place to renew my strength and get back to living my life.
I hope that life is absolutely wonderful to you today my friends, but in the case that it is not, I am very happy to stand with you and point at whatever evil thing is getting you down and very maturely call it names and make sure that it knows that we both agree that it sucks. With one last stomp of our foot as we move on, maybe we will at least get the slightest bit of satisfaction from our outburst. 🙂