Sometimes my attitude is so bad, that I don’t even want to hang out with myself. Seriously. Ugh. Just thought I’d share. 🙂
Today was a good day.
How quickly and immediately I can move in to a day like this. Like my favorite pair of jeans. So comfortable! Almost instantly I plan for tomorrow and the next day and the next after that to be a repeat of this day. The things I could do with a week like this! A month!! 6 months! A year!! …
And then suddenly, I remember.
The voice in my head reminds my heart in a lecturing tone…“don’t get ahead of yourself”. I repeat things internally over and over about “embracing where I am”, and appreciating THIS day.
And I do… appreciate it.
I sincerely appreciate and value this day.
But I want more.
It is a little like taking just a small sip of ice cold water on a scorching hot summer day. The heat is beating down on you and you don’t want to pace yourself. One sip isn’t enough. You want to guzzle it. Maybe even drench yourself with it!
And of course, yes, I do… appreciate that first sip.
And I know eventually there will be another. But my heart still yearns deeply for more, and just a small part of me, somewhere in this remote corner of my heart, as I begin to notice the light changing and the sun going down, is mourning this day.
How dare this day come, and remind me of what life can be. How dare it, tease me by allowing just a small taste of health and wholeness!
Admittedly, none of us know what the future will hold. I know that is truth for all of us. There are no guarantees of tomorrow or what it will contain. I KNOW this. I also know that even in a rough day, there a moments of beauty, moments to be treasured and I WILL treasure them. There are people out there that are dealing with things that make my crisis look trivial and I know I have so very much to be thankful for. I know.
But my inner two year old is screaming and pounding the ground with my two very obviously powerless fists and there is a tantrum I am smothering to silence that keeps repeatedly welling up inside of me and rearing its head as I try to be mature and keep composed. And I scream with defiance and desperation, inside, till my voice is completely gone…
“I WANT MORE!!” I don’t want to be done. I don’t want to leave this! Just a few more minutes??? Promise me that tomorrow will be a good day too! Promise me?? Pleeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaasssssssssseeeee?”.
But all I hear in response is the voice of reason telling me that I am thankful for today, regardless of what the morning brings. And I WILL be thankful for tomorrow as well, “good day” or not, I’ll be thankful. But as today slips through my fingers, with frantic passion I grab onto it until each and every microscopic thread finally drifts out of sight (through squinted eyes, I strain to see it even in the distance).
And there is a tear on my cheek as I hope it revisits soon.