I Try Not to Hate Her

I try not to hate her

But I do.  I really do very often hate her.

She’s just so awkward.  She can hardly put sentences together.  She repeats herself constantly, and can’t seem to remember that she’s told you that same thing over and over again.

She used to be sharp.  When she had something to say, she could find the words easily, quickly, without all of the frustration.  I really thought she was smart.  That she was going to do big things.  Now, she often spends so much time trying to find the word she was looking for that she forgets what it was that she was going to say in the first place.  It’s like she’s become… unintelligent, and scattered.

She used to be passionate about taking care of herself and she was really active.  She loved to exercise.  She would go running, go to yoga classes, do workout videos at home; she even loved playing basketball… she was super competitive.  I really thought she’d always do those things and even wind up trying new things as life went on.  But now… she hardly does anything honestly.  She looks tired all the time, she looks way older (even though it really hasn’t been that long)… and she’s completely out of shape.  She gets completely drained from the most basic activities and complains about stupid things like the heat outside on the way to the car, then winds up frustrated because the a/c bothers her once she’s inside again.  It’s kind of ridiculous.  If she sits down for like 30 minutes or so, she acts like she has trouble standing up and walking after that (you’d think she was in her 70s), and by the end of the day she seems like she really can’t walk well or stand at all without some kind of support.

Things were so different before.  She used to care about her appearance.  She would take time for herself, you know… she spend time doing the things that make a girl feel pretty.  It’s all so different now.  I mean, she was never the type whose favorite pastime was spending hours at the mall, but she at least used to care about looking nice.  At this point the only time she buys clothes or makeup, (or even just takes time to shave her legs) is when she absolutely has to.  It’s all just a chore now, and there’s just no room in her life anymore for that kind of thing.

I just get completely frustrated with her.  She knows that she should do certain things… like exercise, stop binging on junk or alcohol when she doesn’t feel well, or just go to the doctor for God’s sake, but she can’t even bring herself to pick up the phone to set the appointment.  She just sleeps, then works, then sleeps again, it’s like she doesn’t really connect to anything else anymore.  I don’t know… I guess she’s at least made some progress.  She’s been going to counseling for a little while now, and I know she’s at least trying to become more aware of doing basic things like drinking water, and stopping to eat during the day.

I wonder what her husband thinks though.  It has all got be pretty disappointing to him.  To think you are marrying one person, and years later wake up next to a completely different person.  They got married so young, so things went from this young woman who was ambitious and energetic, to *this*??  I honestly don’t even know how he can look at her sometimes.  It’s just sad.

Before all of this, she was way more involved with things around the house.  She did most of the cleaning, made grocery trips, cooked, and spent so much time with the kids.  Now she’s pretty much come to expect everyone else to handle the things around the house and really doesn’t even have the stamina to send the girls off to bed at night because if they have questions, need help with anything, or put up any kind of fight about bed time, she gets irritable and winds up not being able to handle it.

The sad part is, I kind of feel like things are just declining.  Lately it seems like it’s becoming harder and harder for her to do things for herself.  Her hands are curled up into an odd shape most of the time, like she has to force them to do their job, and she suddenly has to ask for help to do simple things, and I know that has got to be humiliating.  I’ve actually seen her give up and put things back away versus ask for help again with something that she *should* be able to do, and I don’t blame her.  I honestly wonder how much longer she’ll be able to drive, or to do her job.  It kind of seems like it won’t be long until she can’t handle these things either and winds up spending all of her time in bed.  What will happen to her marriage and relationships then?  Not that she really has many relationships anymore…

She’s got to be lonely.  She’s a completely different person than she used to be.  She doesn’t talk on the phone or go out with friends.  Well, she honestly doesn’t reach out to anyone or anything beyond work or family.  I think she’s embarrassed of how out of control her mind and body are… and it’s frustrating to try to have conversations with people who knew her then and be compared to who she used to be.  There’s no comparison.   I mean, people understand change to some degree, but this is not just the normal kind of change that comes with time and life… she’s a completely different person than who she used to be.  And if you can’t articulate things, if you can’t keep up… how can you really have friendships anyway?  Aren’t friendships built by spending time together, talking on the phone, going out, etc?  She can’t really handle those things at all, and when tries to, she’s winds up being so distracted because of being in pain that I’m not even sure she’s really connected to what’s going on.  I’m pretty sure she’s in her own world.  Like she’s watching and listening to life from another dimension.  It even seems like any little thing, even just a 10 minute phone conversation, or trying to go out to dinner,  is so draining to her that if she even actually gets herself to do these things, she winds up stuck in bed saying she’s exhausted all day the next day (or possibly several days).  I don’t know how she can live like that.

It’s like her life is just passing her by.  There are seasons these last few years to where she has actually spent weeks at a time in bed, never leaving the house, needing help with every little thing, and she doesn’t even get up to take a shower.  It’s like she’s just ok with missing out on her life, like she’s not even going to try anymore.  Her kids are growing.  They have grown, so much.  Kids can change so much in 7 years, and she’s missed so much of it just spending her time sleeping and working.  I don’t know how someone can live like that.  I don’t know how she stays motivated, or how she can really be happy like this.

I know I shouldn’t treat her so poorly.  I want to be proud of her… I want to love her for who she is now.

I try not to hate her.  But I do.  I really do very often hate her.

Yup, it sucks.

I get that I need to stay positive.  I do get that.  I get that our mind and our attitudes are so powerful, and that we can go so much further than our perceived limitations when we use these tools to our advantage.  I know this.  That being said, I can tell you that today I made a wish.  I wished with all of the passion that I could muster within myself that I wouldn’t have to be creative about how to accomplish the things that I needed to accomplish today.  I wished that I could just get up and do them.  Every day I bait myself with various promises to keep motivated throughout the day, and honestly sometimes I get tired of being determined and putting “mind over matter”, and I just want it to be easy.  We all have obstacles, and I know that many people have more challenges to deal with than I do, but every once in a while, I just wish that I could wake up and have a day off from being sick.  OK or maybe a week off.  I think that just a brief taste of feeling energetic and casting off this fog in my head and putting a stop to this stupid, nagging, aching would be so refreshing.  I wonder what I would do.  I wonder what that would be like.  I’m pretty sure I would feel like superwoman, ready to take on the world!

I definitely lectured myself on why I needed to stop feeling sorry for myself and stop being so negative and really fought with myself to drop this “life is so unfair to me” mentality.   But you know what?  Life is truly hard sometimes, and we do need to make sure that we don’t dwell in the valleys, but is it possible that there is something to acknowledging that they exist?  I think it might even be healthy to give yourself permission to just call it like it is, and say those charmingly impolite and crude, yet perfectly accurate words, THIS SUCKS.  Yup, it does, it totally sucks, and now I move on to focusing my energies on gratitude and finding a place to renew my strength and get back to living my life.

I hope that life is absolutely wonderful to you today my friends, but in the case that it is not, I am very happy to stand with you and point at whatever evil thing is getting you down and very maturely call it names and make sure that it knows that we both agree that it sucks.  With one last stomp of our foot as we move on, maybe we will at least get the slightest bit of satisfaction from our outburst. 🙂

 

A False Finish Line

Some thoughts that have been mulling around in my head today when my

body is telling me that I am done. Thought someone out there may need to hear

this.

If I would have stopped the first time that I thought that there was no more

positive in life ahead for me, my life would have been over at seventeen. When

running a race you know of “false starts”, but in life it seems you have to watch

out for “false finish lines”. Want to know if there is something better ahead for

you? Check your pulse. If you have one, there is something good coming. So

don’t you dare quit yet.

The Reality of Limitations

    We often preach on perseverance, attitude, and various methods of dealing with life’s problems & hardships almost flippantly… arrogantly…as if difficulties don’t really live up to their name.  We feel confident, solid, secure in the thought that we are “equipped”, and possibly even that if we were faced with someone else’s trial that we would be more capable and handle it with grace.  However, the nitty gritty part about limitations is that when you sincerely find yourself faced with one, you understand that they are a force to be reckoned with.   The pain, resistance and the emotional exhaustion that exists when a limitation is present is real, is uncomfortable, and is cause for pause, evaluation, grief, and acceptance.  The simplistic solutions and clichés that were previously touted, once in application begin to pale in comparison to the reality of the situation at hand.  The realization comes that I may not be able to pray them away, wish them away, or will them away. In spite of this, I still believe wholeheartedly that limitations & obstacles are meant to be defied (though I have learned not denied).  The friction that forms as a result of this defiance seems much like rubbing two sticks together to start a fire.  Out of continuous pursuit & steady endurance erupts creativity, innovation, and in turn becomes this incredible strength that extends your reach and tightens your grasp beyond what it ever could have been.  A life free of limitations, trials, and difficulties is not a formula for success, often times quite the opposite.  And though life is good, it is rich, it is fulfilling, it has not been issued to us under the guise of paradise.  The ugly parts exist.  They create pain beyond the boundary that we thought was our threshold, and entirely beyond our understanding or comprehension. USE THEM as a tool for growth.  Shape them into something that they were not originally intended to be.  Do not be defeated by them.  Fight them, and yes, never tire to search for solutions, but do not cower to them.  Don’t let the experience be wasted.  Where from a distance you may see a victim or someone who is weak…I might recommend taking a few steps back.  With these limitations, I’m gonna start a fire, & I have a feeling I’m not alone.

Health of a New Kind

I’ve been waiting for the blog fairy to pay me a visit and sprinkle a little inspirational dust my way, but it’s been a while and I am beginning to realize that she may just not show.  So with or without her, I shall proceed.

Today I find myself feeling hopeful as I look towards a new week and what I also believe is a new chapter in my life.  I realize that I have been in a very lengthy “waiting period” as I have been waiting to find solutions, waiting for recovery, waiting for healing, for answers.  And life, as it tends to do has continued to go on around me and has not waited for a moment by my side.

So that brings me back to today.  Today I recognize that I have been neglecting a number of areas in my life.  Areas that contribute to making a person feel like a person, a woman feel like a woman,  an individual feel like an individual, and I know that is not acceptable and nor is it helpful to me as I try to grow and go forward.  This realization didn’t actually start today.  I move way slower than that!  I have been processing and analyzing these feelings for a number of weeks and am just now beginning to give all of this a little shape and meaning.

I have been taking some new steps with my health, which I will write about in another blog, but the bottom line is that I am beginning to see little glimpses of hope in the possibility of becoming stronger physically.  As I began to let this hope slip in (which for the record, at this present time “hope” has to be very persistent to get through the walls I have created over the years in this area in order for me to even acknowledge it slightly), I simultaneously,  gradually began to feel more and more unsettled inside. In fact, I felt so absolutely conflicted and unhappy with my present circumstances and longing for newness that as I was walking out of a store with my daughter I suddenly and impulsively grabbed an application and applied for a job there!   Mind you – Intellectually I know that a new job is not the answer, and particularly one with such limited flexibility, but the need to feel qualified and capable, and the need to feel   human was becoming so strong that I just wanted to grab on to any change as if it were a string tied to a helium balloon and just float away with it.  I actually went on to apply and get offered several jobs over the course of the next few weeks, only to be reminded that the opportunity for income and the flexibility that I require is at best where I am, in my own company.  I am thankful for the gift of being able to do what I love to do and do it in an environment that is accommodating to my physical limitations, but if not a job… what was I looking for?

So here I am, after several weeks of this unsettled search for something, and I am recognizing that neglect is in fact the source of my deep agitation and dissatisfaction.  I have slowly learned to make my health and medical care a priority and though that requires our financial resources and time, I have a greater feeling of peace about this than I have in the past.  Not guilt free yet, but maybe a little less guilt than I previously inflicted on myself for watching these resources be used.  This is progress, and I am going to continue to try to invest in these areas and do so with more confidence and peace.   I have however, failed to notice that as this one area has developed, I have slowly decreased the value and investment into other areas in my life.  It’s as if I made a trade in order to ease my conscience.   So the remaining parts of me and the balance in my life have become quite depleted and off kilter.  Even in the very simplest of areas.  No wonder I have felt so unsettled.

I have recently resorted to merely existing and taking up space, but not actually putting value into that existence or treating myself with the respect tending to other areas in my life.  I am aware that I don’t have unlimited resources to make up for lost time and take care of everything in one fail swoop.  But I do have some resources.  And in the same way that my two beautiful girls have their hair cut, their clean & presentable clothes, are current on their dentist appointments, & have plenty of “extras”, and just as my husband feels confident in his clean, dependable car and his personal appearance as he goes about his day, I have a need within me to be respected in this way as well.  And the lack of respect has not come from those around me.  The lack of respect has begun within me, and will only begin to change with small adjustments, little investments and acknowledgements, until it becomes a new habit and perspective.

So today is a new day.  It is Monday, A start of a new week, a start of a new awareness, and another step towards health of a new kind.

Thursday – Reblog For Ya… :)

http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/personal-essays/im-still-me-just-slightly-modified/


An Open Letter to Those Without Invisible Disability or Chronic Illness (Reblog)

This is a very direct, to the point letter written to educate on Chronic Illness and how to support someone in your life that is struggling with one.

http://notdoneliving.net/openletter/id

My Toilet Overflows…

There are some days, where everything just works.  The stars align, the gods shine down on me and every bit of karma is sent my way as everything I touch feels natural and takes place with ease and grace.

Ok, ok… so that doesn’t really happen.

But there are some pretty damn good days.

Then, in contrast, there are those days in between, where I have to grab myself by the collar, lift myself out of bed and literally drag myself into living.  It isn’t a lack of interest or desire to participate in my life.  I love my life, and everything and everyone in it.  Every part actually, even the stressful and frustrating ones.

Today the limitation that overwhelmed me was fatigue.  I couldn’t devote the time to getting enough sleep to function well because my priority was getting to my four year daughers’ old’s Fiesta parade at school.  I would have to be physically restrained to miss THAT.  Continue reading