Deep Thoughts at Midnight…

Not much of a rhythm to my rambling, but thought I’d share the thoughts anyway…

 

 

We all run like we are invincible, and we don’t know why we are running any more

Day after day, invincible, and no one knows what they are standing for

Midnight strikes again and here I am, wondering if my yesterday’s were enough.

If my time was up, and you stack it up, would it carry on, if I were gone?

I am just a carpenter with tools and vision and hope to create something that will change the world.

We are all just trying to change the world.

 

Sitting outside on a quiet night, talking life and death and questioning it all

I held you close and told you it would be ok, that “time heals all wounds”

We remembered and we reminisced and I felt the breeze on my skin

I wondered if the life we live might be compared to that gentle wind

I thought of “God”, and how we define and decide what’s important to Him

How He’s who we’ve created in our minds eye, how we’ve interpreted the text

So complicated, so intricate, the beginning of many wars

But the thought – “God is love” in its simplicity and innocence made me ask what the fight is for?

 

If I am created by and for Love.

I will recognize and appreciate the beauty around me.

I will empathize with the pain.

I will use my hands to build a platform to reach higher, a boat to sail further, and I will go beyond the limitations that are merely the end of my scope and vision

I will push further, try harder, and the only fight I will fight is against the painful obstacles of life, against the walls of bitterness, fight to educate, to squelch the hate that rears its ugly head when ignorance is easier than understanding

I will say “fuck you” to the intolerance, the social stigma, the “mold” that is supposed to hold me so that I fit well with society.  I will *not* fit.

Shame on us for being comfortable.

If I am created by and for Love then

I don’t need your social pressure to dictate to me what is North or South, because I see you wandering directionless through the crowd, and I know that I can only follow my internal conviction and measure the truth against this one thing.

Like the wind on that summer night, the people who have come and gone from my life, the ones who have influenced, with honor, integrity, and grace –

Softly they danced, they floated, they traveled by, leaving Love’s sweet kiss on my face

The heroes are the gentle ones, much against our nature

The battle is not amongst one another at all

But instead is ours to internally master.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Yup, it sucks.

I get that I need to stay positive.  I do get that.  I get that our mind and our attitudes are so powerful, and that we can go so much further than our perceived limitations when we use these tools to our advantage.  I know this.  That being said, I can tell you that today I made a wish.  I wished with all of the passion that I could muster within myself that I wouldn’t have to be creative about how to accomplish the things that I needed to accomplish today.  I wished that I could just get up and do them.  Every day I bait myself with various promises to keep motivated throughout the day, and honestly sometimes I get tired of being determined and putting “mind over matter”, and I just want it to be easy.  We all have obstacles, and I know that many people have more challenges to deal with than I do, but every once in a while, I just wish that I could wake up and have a day off from being sick.  OK or maybe a week off.  I think that just a brief taste of feeling energetic and casting off this fog in my head and putting a stop to this stupid, nagging, aching would be so refreshing.  I wonder what I would do.  I wonder what that would be like.  I’m pretty sure I would feel like superwoman, ready to take on the world!

I definitely lectured myself on why I needed to stop feeling sorry for myself and stop being so negative and really fought with myself to drop this “life is so unfair to me” mentality.   But you know what?  Life is truly hard sometimes, and we do need to make sure that we don’t dwell in the valleys, but is it possible that there is something to acknowledging that they exist?  I think it might even be healthy to give yourself permission to just call it like it is, and say those charmingly impolite and crude, yet perfectly accurate words, THIS SUCKS.  Yup, it does, it totally sucks, and now I move on to focusing my energies on gratitude and finding a place to renew my strength and get back to living my life.

I hope that life is absolutely wonderful to you today my friends, but in the case that it is not, I am very happy to stand with you and point at whatever evil thing is getting you down and very maturely call it names and make sure that it knows that we both agree that it sucks.  With one last stomp of our foot as we move on, maybe we will at least get the slightest bit of satisfaction from our outburst. 🙂

 

The Whole Enchilada…

Today is my Monday.  Yesterday being a holiday weekend, I am starting my week today, and what a gorgeous morning!  Just days ago it was 111 degrees… no seriously… 111!  This morning it is a lovely 77 degrees.  Aaaah.  I feel refreshed and ready for fall!  I am just hoping this great weather sticks around!  I am getting in the mood for my favorite holidays, Halloween and Thanksgiving!  I love everything about fall.  I love the warm fragrances, the beautiful weather, back to school, the fun, lighthearted time that we have trick or treating, and taking time to give thanks for all that we have.  I even begin to be flooded with sweet memories of this time of year during my childhood, of raking leaves in the yard and filling pumpkin shaped bags to decorate our lawn, of writing my first poem for school titled “Halloween Night” – and realizing then that I loved to write, learning the definition of that big word CORNOCOPIA, and making friendship bracelets with the sweet little blonde girl across the street that I still consider my best friend, Charlene.  As a matter of fact, if we could just have September through November on “repeat mode”, I would love that, and maybe having that day that is set aside specifically to give thanks taking place a little more frequently would put a little reminder in our heart to do it a little more often?  Maybe it would change our perspective.

Though I know that I don’t hold the master controls for the seasons each year or the seasons in my life that I will face, I do hold the control of my attitude and outlook.  With this fresh wind, and new day, I give thanks today for where I am in my life.  It is never easy.  But I have appreciate it ALLEvery part.  Even the dark days.  They have changed me, and I sincerely believe that they have done so in a good way.   They have challenged and stretched me and created growth in a way that I am not sure that I would have been able to grow.  I am more intuitive and am able to relate to others in just about any circumstance or walk of life.  I am able to be confidently transparent.  I am openly who I am.  The old me wasted a lot of time and energy hiding behind the face of who I thought others wanted me to be, and I was genuinely terrified of possibly exposing the real me.

I am not saying for one second that I believe that God gave me this illness, or that I would ask for it again, or that I would wish it upon someone else.  When it comes to these questions I can only say that we are humans living life.  We are people.  And with that title comes ailments, hard times, and just plain ugliness.  But life is one whole unit.  A package deal.  And to get to the beautiful, heartwarming moments, the relationships that fill you up, and the connections we make as we serve and love others, we have to face and work through the other side as well.  Some people say that in order to appreciate the good you have to experience the bad.  Honestly, that’s not my personal thought.  You can bring on the good.  And I will appreciate it, damn it!  Every moment!  If God decides to give me the reigns some day, I may re-design it and no doubt leave out the heart wrenching, painful, dirty, real life tough stuff.  But for the time being it seems He has yet to consider me for this role, and so I suppose I will accept the whole enchilada… I am here, living this life, I cry, I hurt, I laugh, I love, and I am thankful for it.  All of it.  The good, the bad, and the ugly.