Deep Thoughts at Midnight…

Not much of a rhythm to my rambling, but thought I’d share the thoughts anyway…



We all run like we are invincible, and we don’t know why we are running any more

Day after day, invincible, and no one knows what they are standing for

Midnight strikes again and here I am, wondering if my yesterday’s were enough.

If my time was up, and you stack it up, would it carry on, if I were gone?

I am just a carpenter with tools and vision and hope to create something that will change the world.

We are all just trying to change the world.


Sitting outside on a quiet night, talking life and death and questioning it all

I held you close and told you it would be ok, that “time heals all wounds”

We remembered and we reminisced and I felt the breeze on my skin

I wondered if the life we live might be compared to that gentle wind

I thought of “God”, and how we define and decide what’s important to Him

How He’s who we’ve created in our minds eye, how we’ve interpreted the text

So complicated, so intricate, the beginning of many wars

But the thought – “God is love” in its simplicity and innocence made me ask what the fight is for?


If I am created by and for Love.

I will recognize and appreciate the beauty around me.

I will empathize with the pain.

I will use my hands to build a platform to reach higher, a boat to sail further, and I will go beyond the limitations that are merely the end of my scope and vision

I will push further, try harder, and the only fight I will fight is against the painful obstacles of life, against the walls of bitterness, fight to educate, to squelch the hate that rears its ugly head when ignorance is easier than understanding

I will say “fuck you” to the intolerance, the social stigma, the “mold” that is supposed to hold me so that I fit well with society.  I will *not* fit.

Shame on us for being comfortable.

If I am created by and for Love then

I don’t need your social pressure to dictate to me what is North or South, because I see you wandering directionless through the crowd, and I know that I can only follow my internal conviction and measure the truth against this one thing.

Like the wind on that summer night, the people who have come and gone from my life, the ones who have influenced, with honor, integrity, and grace –

Softly they danced, they floated, they traveled by, leaving Love’s sweet kiss on my face

The heroes are the gentle ones, much against our nature

The battle is not amongst one another at all

But instead is ours to internally master.










Casting the First Stone

Dear friend,

I am not writing this in defense or response to how I have been personally treated, but rather in response to recently witnessing blatant discrimination and selective approval being given to others by people in my life who are basing their actions on their beliefs and convictions.  I know we are all struggling, learning, growing, but it just hurts my heart and surprises me each and every time I see one group “rise up” above another in pride, refusing to embrace and respect others who do not share our beliefs.  It just seems like such an outdated and ridiculous place for us to be in this current time in life.

If you were to examine my life more closely I can ensure you that there will definitely be something within its contents that does not align with your vision for how things “should” be.  There would no doubt, be something that offends you, something that you would do differently, a choice you would not support, a number of things that you do not remotely understand, and much that you could absolutely do and handle “better” and more effectively according to what you see as ideal or what you define to be right.  We could all do this to each other, given the opportunity.

The joy of the FB craze is that it connects us.   All of us really messed up, imperfect, quirky people, are now mingling about and sharing a world with each other that makes us appear to be a network that is walking through the journey of life and doing the best we can to do it well, together.  We observe how those in our network live their lives.  Maybe according to our perspective they are too candid or detailed with the info that they share.  Maybe we are “shocked” at the language that they use, the activities that they are participating in, or the person who they appear to us to be.  Or possibly, they say all the right things… they are clever, they are witty, or just have our stamp of approval because they seem like “good” people.  Whatever your impression, please do keep this in mind.  People are people and were there living their lives before you had the window of FB to peer through.  You were doing life with them, before you knew of the details that you now see.

We are not required to condone, invest in, or encourage any lifestyle that we do not support.  We are not either expected to change our lifestyle and our convictions to that which others in our world (FB friend, customer, co-worker, etc) are engaged in.  But if our personal beliefs cause us to feel justified in requiring another person to change into who we expect them to be as a pre-requisite for being treated with love, respect, or friendship, then I might suggest that the author of those particular beliefs is not actually a higher power, but possibly just the higher attitude of ourselves over others around us.

I will openly tell you (and knowing that not everyone in my life or my FB shares my belief) that I personally believe in God.  I believe in a God that created the universe and who set my life in motion.  I believe that God breathes life into us with a purpose and a plan.  All of us. I believe in Jesus Christ.  I believe that Jesus Christ walked the earth and lived and served as an example of love and God in the form of a man.  Though He did not have a FB page, I believe He did walk along side other people on this journey as we are.  He served them.  He mingled with them.  He met them where they were.  He hoped to inspire them to be all that they can be and to offer them a message of hope and peace.

The God and the Jesus that I personally believe in did not carry Christianity or religion as a tool tucked safely behind their backs and await unsuspecting people that they could attack with this handy tool as if it were a mallet.  Jesus did not wait for people to “clean up their act” before He would associate or be seen with them.  He didn’t offer a relationship under any pretense or guise.  He was sincere, He treated people with love and respect, and He did so knowing full well of whom they were and being completely aware of their quirks, bad habits, tendencies and differences.  He met them, accepted them, and embraced them “as is”.

And, by the way (just a side note)… Bible says that we “all have sinned and fall short”.  Is your sin greater than mine or vice versa?  Which one is worse?  Just because you can relate to (or practice personally) a particular “moral failure” more comfortably than another does not mean that we have the right to judge or call ourselves superior to someone who is struggling in a different area.  Do you know how ridiculous and prideful it is to cast out a group of people because of their “sin”, and then to overlook and embrace those in the category of our preferred “sin of choice” that we are more tolerant of or find more relatable?  There is not a single one of us who can claim to be blameless or perfect.  So how is it acceptable for us to “toss” people away because their faults, sin, lifestyle are more outwardly obvious or apparent to us than another’s!

The Jesus that I believe and the God that I base my life around did not submit that love and respect were to be earned, but that they were given freely and without exception.  So what I do not understand is why so many of us that profess to believe in this Jesus, and walk with God seem to have some perverted belief that the people in our lives are lesser beings then ourselves because they do not share our same lifestyle or belief system.  Shame on us for requiring that others around us “clean up their act” according to our personal convictions before they are worthy of our love.  Shame on us for thinking that we could live someone else’s life better than they can, when we have no idea of their past, the path that they are on, with little to no insight to their circumstances, and when we are completely ignorant of the personal purpose they are created for.

If you knew me.  If you truly knew ME.  You would find that my life does not align with yours as a complete parallel.  Most of those differences, I have to admit, are completely by intention!  I am an imperfect, “messy” human being (and might I suggest…as are you?) J.  I have habits that you would find offensive!  I make choices that I know very well that you would not agree with.  But despite how you think that should or might make me feel… (empty, unhappy, depressed, unfulfilled?), I have never been more whole and more at peace with who I am and who I am created to be!  It is so freeing to know and admit that I could NEVER be perfect, and that I am accepted and loved in spite of this.  I honestly believe that God has better things to worry about than so and so’s foul mouth, love for tobacco, or drinking habit.  I believe He is focused on bigger issues!  And I never cease to be shocked by the disgusting way that WE use our beliefs as a justification to discriminate, label, or cast out others for their differences and their contrast to our life.

And that is my two cents…

My Toilet Overflows…

There are some days, where everything just works.  The stars align, the gods shine down on me and every bit of karma is sent my way as everything I touch feels natural and takes place with ease and grace.

Ok, ok… so that doesn’t really happen.

But there are some pretty damn good days.

Then, in contrast, there are those days in between, where I have to grab myself by the collar, lift myself out of bed and literally drag myself into living.  It isn’t a lack of interest or desire to participate in my life.  I love my life, and everything and everyone in it.  Every part actually, even the stressful and frustrating ones.

Today the limitation that overwhelmed me was fatigue.  I couldn’t devote the time to getting enough sleep to function well because my priority was getting to my four year daughers’ old’s Fiesta parade at school.  I would have to be physically restrained to miss THAT.  Continue reading

To Be Known…

If I am to be known for something, I want to be known for loving.  Loving a little too much, a little too openly… Maybe being a little “over the top” with my words, putting a little too much thought/prayers into the lives around me, being a little too trusting… a little too blind to others’ shortcomings and forgiving a little too quickly.  The mom that says “I love you” so many times that it embarrasses her children.  Takes a few too many pictures, laughs a little too hard and gets tickled by things that really should have been frustrating (like my youngest little fireball somehow managing to pick on her big sister!).  The daughter that tends to and loves her mother in the same nurturing way that she was tended to and who only sees the positive effort that was given to her with such love during her childhood.  I want to be the sister that pushes a little too hard for openness and friendship between each other, the friend who treats her friends like she treats her sister, and the aunt who fusses a little too much and too loudly over how much each little niece and nephew has grown since last they were seen (and man have they grown) and who says too many times how beautiful/handsome and how proud of them she is.  I hope to also be the kind of friend that listens without bias, encourages without an agenda, who cries and shares the burden when her friend is hurting and laughs till she cries about the memories that have been formed along this crazy journey of sharing our lives together.  To also be the wife that sees her husband in the same way that she saw him when they were dating and who still gets chills up her spine when he holds her and looks into her eyes, and who still considers her husband to be her very best friend.  Maybe holds him a little too long each time he heads out the door, and babies him a little too much even though he insists all is well.

I want to work a little too hard for my clients.   Go above and beyond and give them a little too much.  Maybe expect a little too much of myself.  Maybe even encourage others around me to do the same.

I am working hard at becoming a little too transparent… maybe by being so you will see that we are both human… that we have a little more in common than you thought.  Maybe we both mess up, we both harbor insecurities, and we both have been hurt… maybe a little too much.  I’m definitely not too perfect, and I am not going to waste the energy pretending to be and trying to deceive others, nor could I pull it off.  Who likes to hang out with someone who is too perfect anyway?  I’m pretty sure that only makes those of us who are a little too flawed feel a little too small!

I want to eat a little too healthy, take care of myself so that I can keep giving.  On the other hand… a little too many sweets, too many risks taken, laughing a little too much, wouldn’t hurt my feelings either.

I want to “spend” every ounce of life that has been given to me so that at the end I know that I have given it all, lived completely, not a drop left over.  What would be the point of my preserving it, when it might be watered and tended to by you, and grow into something that lives beyond me.  That would be amazing.  I want my legacy to do that…outlive me.  Make an impact, guide and influence, provide for others in some capacity, and touch someone’s life with warmth that is just enough to shift their day towards a positive direction…maybe it could even change their future and in turn the future of someone that they know.  Maybe that’s a little too idealistic?

Maybe this is a little too dramatic… a little too sappy…maybe I am a little too naive…but if I am to be known for something… I want to be known for loving this way.

Maybe I am just “a little too___________”.   If so, at this moment and time I think I am ok with that.