I Try Not to Hate Her

I try not to hate her

But I do.  I really do very often hate her.

She’s just so awkward.  She can hardly put sentences together.  She repeats herself constantly, and can’t seem to remember that she’s told you that same thing over and over again.

She used to be sharp.  When she had something to say, she could find the words easily, quickly, without all of the frustration.  I really thought she was smart.  That she was going to do big things.  Now, she often spends so much time trying to find the word she was looking for that she forgets what it was that she was going to say in the first place.  It’s like she’s become… unintelligent, and scattered.

She used to be passionate about taking care of herself and she was really active.  She loved to exercise.  She would go running, go to yoga classes, do workout videos at home; she even loved playing basketball… she was super competitive.  I really thought she’d always do those things and even wind up trying new things as life went on.  But now… she hardly does anything honestly.  She looks tired all the time, she looks way older (even though it really hasn’t been that long)… and she’s completely out of shape.  She gets completely drained from the most basic activities and complains about stupid things like the heat outside on the way to the car, then winds up frustrated because the a/c bothers her once she’s inside again.  It’s kind of ridiculous.  If she sits down for like 30 minutes or so, she acts like she has trouble standing up and walking after that (you’d think she was in her 70s), and by the end of the day she seems like she really can’t walk well or stand at all without some kind of support.

Things were so different before.  She used to care about her appearance.  She would take time for herself, you know… she spend time doing the things that make a girl feel pretty.  It’s all so different now.  I mean, she was never the type whose favorite pastime was spending hours at the mall, but she at least used to care about looking nice.  At this point the only time she buys clothes or makeup, (or even just takes time to shave her legs) is when she absolutely has to.  It’s all just a chore now, and there’s just no room in her life anymore for that kind of thing.

I just get completely frustrated with her.  She knows that she should do certain things… like exercise, stop binging on junk or alcohol when she doesn’t feel well, or just go to the doctor for God’s sake, but she can’t even bring herself to pick up the phone to set the appointment.  She just sleeps, then works, then sleeps again, it’s like she doesn’t really connect to anything else anymore.  I don’t know… I guess she’s at least made some progress.  She’s been going to counseling for a little while now, and I know she’s at least trying to become more aware of doing basic things like drinking water, and stopping to eat during the day.

I wonder what her husband thinks though.  It has all got be pretty disappointing to him.  To think you are marrying one person, and years later wake up next to a completely different person.  They got married so young, so things went from this young woman who was ambitious and energetic, to *this*??  I honestly don’t even know how he can look at her sometimes.  It’s just sad.

Before all of this, she was way more involved with things around the house.  She did most of the cleaning, made grocery trips, cooked, and spent so much time with the kids.  Now she’s pretty much come to expect everyone else to handle the things around the house and really doesn’t even have the stamina to send the girls off to bed at night because if they have questions, need help with anything, or put up any kind of fight about bed time, she gets irritable and winds up not being able to handle it.

The sad part is, I kind of feel like things are just declining.  Lately it seems like it’s becoming harder and harder for her to do things for herself.  Her hands are curled up into an odd shape most of the time, like she has to force them to do their job, and she suddenly has to ask for help to do simple things, and I know that has got to be humiliating.  I’ve actually seen her give up and put things back away versus ask for help again with something that she *should* be able to do, and I don’t blame her.  I honestly wonder how much longer she’ll be able to drive, or to do her job.  It kind of seems like it won’t be long until she can’t handle these things either and winds up spending all of her time in bed.  What will happen to her marriage and relationships then?  Not that she really has many relationships anymore…

She’s got to be lonely.  She’s a completely different person than she used to be.  She doesn’t talk on the phone or go out with friends.  Well, she honestly doesn’t reach out to anyone or anything beyond work or family.  I think she’s embarrassed of how out of control her mind and body are… and it’s frustrating to try to have conversations with people who knew her then and be compared to who she used to be.  There’s no comparison.   I mean, people understand change to some degree, but this is not just the normal kind of change that comes with time and life… she’s a completely different person than who she used to be.  And if you can’t articulate things, if you can’t keep up… how can you really have friendships anyway?  Aren’t friendships built by spending time together, talking on the phone, going out, etc?  She can’t really handle those things at all, and when tries to, she’s winds up being so distracted because of being in pain that I’m not even sure she’s really connected to what’s going on.  I’m pretty sure she’s in her own world.  Like she’s watching and listening to life from another dimension.  It even seems like any little thing, even just a 10 minute phone conversation, or trying to go out to dinner,  is so draining to her that if she even actually gets herself to do these things, she winds up stuck in bed saying she’s exhausted all day the next day (or possibly several days).  I don’t know how she can live like that.

It’s like her life is just passing her by.  There are seasons these last few years to where she has actually spent weeks at a time in bed, never leaving the house, needing help with every little thing, and she doesn’t even get up to take a shower.  It’s like she’s just ok with missing out on her life, like she’s not even going to try anymore.  Her kids are growing.  They have grown, so much.  Kids can change so much in 7 years, and she’s missed so much of it just spending her time sleeping and working.  I don’t know how someone can live like that.  I don’t know how she stays motivated, or how she can really be happy like this.

I know I shouldn’t treat her so poorly.  I want to be proud of her… I want to love her for who she is now.

I try not to hate her.  But I do.  I really do very often hate her.

I disappear.

  Just a few things muddling around in my mind right now, as I think of the relationships that I have (and have had) in my life.  Working on consistently being transparent, but my tendencies are pretty deep rooted, so these are just a few words about that struggle. 

Sometimes I disappear

Sometimes it is because I am weak

And I don’t want you to see that

Because I know what weakness breeds

And I can’t handle your judgment

Nor can I handle your pity

And sometimes I think you can’t handle me

Because this kind of weak

Well, there is nothing heroic or beautiful about it

It can get just completely ugly and dark in here

And it will change the way that you perceive me

And that scares me

 

 

Sometimes I disappear

Sometimes because I am strong

And happy, and living, moving,

And I just don’t want to slow down

Because it is just so good

And if I stop

I may not ever stand up again

So I try to cram as much life into this one day

As I possibly can

And I achieve, and I win

And you look at me proudly

And that scares me as well

 

 

 

Not sure how to keep being true

Not sure if I have that kind of strength

I’m going to keep on trying,

Trying to stay here

But sometimes

I feel that it’s best to disappear.

Reblog: The Comfort Found in Asking for Support

This one is for all of you out there that are struggling with asking for or accepting help from others, and see it as some sort of failure or lack withing yourself.  I know you are out there…because I am a part of your club.  We can do this. Hope you enjoy the article, and this is another encouraging blog as well from the perspective of a Yoga lifestyle.  Hope you enjoy.  xoxo, Aimee

The Comfort Found in Asking for Support.

The Blob

So, I am such a big believer in facing and working through things in my life in a healthy way, at least to the best of my abilities and awareness.  A part of this comes from seeing the damage that can be done in the lives of our loved ones when we refuse to ask for help or seek out means of self improvement.  It is my goal to be in constant motion as a person.  By this, I don’t mean running around and over committing myself, but rather in this kind of internal motion, where I am working to grow, learn, and build upon my experiences versus allowing myself to sit still where it is comfortable and familiar.  So here I am, again, stumbling upon completely new territory that is terrifying for me to face and acknowledge, and consciously choosing whether to work through it, or package it back up in whatever box it was hiding in so neatly within me before I became aware.  It is sincerely a conscious choice that I am making, and I know what is “best” for me, but the feeling that you get when you start to contemplate facing traumatic events or difficult experiences, is a lot like the feeling of free falling.  And, as much as I would like to think of myself as a thrill seeker…the truth is…I prefer both of my feet to be planted on the ground.

So here I am.  I am standing on the last little bit of crumbling ground on the edge of this cliff.  Every time I even step into the general vicinity I become overwhelmed with emotion and panic, so instead I have been pacing here, back and forth.  I walk far enough away to feel that I have control, and then slowly look back the direction of where I know I need to go.  What I am beginning to see very clearly is that the more that I do this back and forth game, the more exhausted that I feel, and I really don’t think I am ever going to feel absolutely enthusiastic or excited at the thought of jumping off of the edge.

I am remembering about 5 years ago that I attended a youth camp as a group leader to about ten 10th grade girls.  Throughout the camp we spent our time hiking, climbing rock walls, rappelling down the sides of cliffs, zip lining at incredible heights, and pushing ourselves physically through fears and working to build confidence in the lives of these young ladies in the power that they have to move beyond that place when fear kicks in.  Well, I should re-write that last sentence…what I should have said is: I spent my time watching these amazing young ladies, who were completely terrified, sometimes even physically shaking and breaking down to tears, pushing themselves through those fears and accomplishing what they never imagined that they would ever do.  I watched.  I encouraged.  I observed.  And I remembered how I used to have a desire to do these things.  And I laughed internally about how I didn’t even have a single ounce of desire for these activities anymore. 🙂

Finally, after completely avoiding every single activity that we faced each day, and managing to successfully find reasons for doing so, we came upon one last challenge.  It was called “The Blob”.  Doesn’t sound so intimidating huh?  “The Blob” was a blow up type mat that was sitting in water, which the kids could jump onto from above.  Way above.  Way, way, way, freaking above!!  As I considered this activity, I thought, “Hey that really doesn’t seem so bad.  I can do this one!!”  So, I proudly walked out onto the wooden deck that was several stories above “the blob”.  I yelled out to all of my kids, and asked them to cheer for me.  I was feeling pretty good as they were yelling my name, and giggling with excitement that THEIR counselor was actually going to get involved and participate.  Why I needed to make sure to have everyone’s attention, I still have no idea, but I did, and there I was.  So I thought that I would get a little bit of a running start and get this out of the way.  I ran all the way to the edge, and then suddenly I felt very much like my entire body was being physically restrained and I could not move.  But see, had that been the case that would have been a good excuse for why I was just standing completely frozen on the edge.  But that was very much not the case.  It felt so so completely unnatural for me to throw myself off of the edge of this platform, that I could not get my mind to let go and release my body into this motion!!  I cannot tell you how long I stood there (that might very well be embarrassing).  I counted off in my head several times, and nothing.  I told my feet to jump, but they were very happy feeling the platform beneath them, and my mind was pretty convinced that this was just not what I meant for my body to be doing!  After a while of this “Ok, jump on the count of three” dialogue that I was having in my head, I finally even considered having someone push me off!  No one was nearby, and the thought was ridiculous really, and finally…finally…I um “jumped”.  I am using the quotations here on the word “jumped”, because I want you to understand that in all of my past usage and knowledge of the word jump, the motion that I was in at that time, would not really have qualified as a jump.  But somehow, I was in the air, and I quickly found myself hitting “the blob” with a thud.

I really wish I could say that I was thankful that I made the decision to “throw” myself in the air that day.  I really wish that I could tell you that it was so exhilarating that I ran back up the ladder of the platform and did it again and again.  The truth is that this was nowhere close to what I was feeling.   Come to find out, the lovely people facilitating the camp had over-filled “the blob”, and when I landed what was supposed to be a rather cushioned impact, well to my surprise…it was not cushioned.  At all.  I felt pretty much like I landed on a similar surface as what I jumped off of.  Aaaaand, well… you see… I, um, got whiplash, and it turned out that I had to try to hide a limp for the remaining days of the camp…fun stuff (have I mentioned that I have a chronic illness and usually wake up sore from head to toe on a typical day??).  J  But, hey, I jumped (ehr, well, let’s say “flung myself”??) off of that platform that day, damnit, and it was for a good cause.  Not only was it to give the kiddos in my group a little motivation, but of course, it was probably pretty important for me to leave that camp having proven to myself that I can also push myself further than where I believe my limitations to be.

So often when we find analogies about reaching goals in life, overcoming obstacles, and taking risks, the point of the anecdote is usually that we waste way too much time being apprehensive about taking the plunge, and that what we find on the other side of that cliff turns out to be immediately rewarding and fulfilling, and there was nothing to be afraid of after all.  Well, sometimes that is the case.  But the reality is that a lot of times, there is very often a “blob” on the other side, over-filled, and waiting to “embrace” you like a soft hug from a concrete slab, and that’s gonna sting a bit.  Maybe even leave you feeling sore for a good while.  But here is what I am learning lately.  In that moment before I face something, whether it is something huge and life altering, or as simple as making a phone call to a client that I am dreading, fear does not mean stop.  Fear does not mean I am going the wrong direction, even if what I am about to face is the most difficult challenge that I have yet encountered.  Fear simply means that I am human, I am scared, and I am on unfamiliar territory.  But the message I am really trying to have sink into my spirit is that even when I am afraid.  I am still ok.  I am ok.  I will overcome.  I will survive.  I will learn, I will grow, even if there is pain in the process.  I AM OK.

So let’s do this.  I honestly have no idea what is on the other side of this cliff.  I may jump off to find that there is about a 6 inch drop below and my feet land comfortably underneath me, and all of the anticipation was unnecessary.  Or, I may very well  begin a free fall (for what feels like an eternity!!!), and come to an abrupt jolt when I hit “the blob” below.  But I am gonna get through this, and I am going to be thankful that I faced whatever it is over there that I am avoiding, because I am going to get up again, limp and all, and I am going to be more knowledgeable, more aware, and stronger than I was before I made that choice to “fling” myself over the edge.

What are you avoiding today?  A ledge is not a place to build a home.  Even if you try to hang pictures on the wall, or throw up lovely floral curtains…it is still a ledge, and it can be the end of your growth and the ceiling for your future progress, or, it could be what launches you into something unknown, something you never thought you were capable of or that you could handle.  I personally am gonna close my eyes and, um, “fling” myself.  Wanna hold my hand?  At least if we do this together we can laugh about it all later, once I get done crying about my whiplash that is.

Here goes…

I think…

 

Reblog: Seeing the Good: Day 5

Just a handful of positivity from a great blog. Be sure to follow the link to view the entire post.  I know that all of us, as people, can relate to similar times like these. I especially connected with the bit about remembering being well. We may have weaknesses, but we are strong, and can encourage ourselves and each other.

Lyme Takes Time

Sometimes our thoughts get the best of us. They become these heavy, heavy weights, always weighing us down like an anchor that makes us feel as if we’ll never see the shore again.

Remarks from loved ones in the past come out of hiding, only adding to the weight along with painful memories. What could have been, should have been. Remembering when you were well, when you didn’t spend all your time borrowing in your room, away from the word. All these thoughts leave us feeling helpless and buried alive.

When there is no hand to reach for, look to your own. When there is no one there to tell you it will be alright, whisper it to yourself. When you find yourself in tears, “Cry as hard as you want to. But just make sure that when you stop crying, you never cry for the same reason again.”

We carry a lot. And we need to remember to…

View original post 35 more words

Salvation in the Sea

What was it about that day?

I saw the shore, but kept pushing away

I heard the voices of my past

Calling me home – but the ocean so vast

It pulled me in, it pulled me in

I didn’t understand what was drawing me in

Is it possible that I was aware

Of the potential for me there

I can’t explain what came over me

But I know that though I was lost in the sea

A part of me could see clearly.  Some part of me, could clearly see

I remember hearing a familiar sound

I looked back at you and started to drown

I remember that you were calling me back

I remember you there, were you scared?  Were you angry?

I woke up, became aware

The rope in my hand was keeping me there

If I strained to see it, I could see the sand

I remember the thought “open your hand”

Water over my head, and I couldn’t stand

I remember the fear of going back

Was greater than that I felt right then

I let go, I gave in

Why, and where did YOU come from?

Momentary relief, tempered quickly to pain

Drowning my soul, from the inside out.

You thought you were saving me.

But sometimes salvation means “let it be.”

Please just let me be.

My home and peace were in the sea.

That’s where my future was supposed to be.

You took salvation away from me.

And led me back to misery.

The embracing arms of misery.

Salvation it was in the sea.

Salvation was in the sea.

Perfection

Someday I’m gonna make some money

And when I do I’m gonna buy me some energy

Take things back to where they used to be

Back to the days where mornings began

With joy and zest and a refreshed plan

Or maybe I’ll buy a magic wand

And make my body young and strong

Lift this fog filling my head

Set a fire to this damn bed

Someday that’s what I’ll do

I promise I’ll buy what you want too

 

Someday I’m gonna find my stride

I’ll pick you up and we can go for a ride

I’ll bring along a little happiness

You can drink it up & then we’ll laugh at this

You’ll look back & you’ll forget

What it once felt like to have regret

Maybe I’ll bring a little freedom too

And I will pour it all over you

I’ll brand this day with my new tattoo

Someday that’s what I’ll do

But today I’ll just be sad with you

 

I would never have created this

This structure that I perceived to be the end of me

But now that I’m here I clearly see

The girl I wasshe was killing me

No one should have to hurt that way

The pain I feel now pales against that day

You can torture me with this make believe

But I’ll be fine after I grieve

I’ll shake that off and I’ll wear it well

And the ghosts from the past can stay in hell

Because that’s a place I no longer dwell

 

Yes, sometimes I read history

But I leave it where it’s supposed to be

And they are still there, it’s plain to see

Sad, it’s true, but it has to be

Some of us are satisfied

To live our lives with narrow minds

To close our eyes to the pain we’ve caused

Bound to our choices, bound to what was

But I’m not sorry to say that I’m moving on

I’ll miss them there, but they’ve withdrawn

I’m gonna go on… and on… and on

 

So here’s to the ones who have overcome

The pain, like a loss, will fade on its own

As long as we walk, as long as we’ve grown

The past gives us strength to make a new home

I think I’m going to paint the walls

Plant a garden, dance down the halls

And ya maybe I’ll make some money

But I don’t need it to make this place sunny

Maybe I’ll just open the doors

Give what I have to you and yours

Use this peace to subdue the wars

 

And friend I think I’ve found my stride

So ya, let’s go ahead and take that ride

I’ll leave behind the magic wand

It’s not perfect, but there’s more beyond

I’ll still give you that happiness

We’ll still throw our heads back and laugh at this

Please don’t forget…let’s just reminisce

Just steal a glance in the rearview

But know that it’s all a part of you

And without you, what would we do?

It’s not perfection but let’s see it through

Change

I’m feeling some change coming on.  Not just because it is a brand new year, (but that certainly is inspiring to me), but I’m just in a new place in my life.  My goal in beginning this blog was originally intended to give voice to my inner and external struggles and create transparency by doing so.  Hoping that by exposing the things in my life that people would typically much prefer for you to keep tucked away, that someone somewhere might connect and realize that they are not alone in their struggles, and find encouragement/inspiration in that.  My specific focus being initially on sharing my goal and experience of living well with chronic illness, as well as the healing journey that I have had through my personal experience of dealing with verbal abuse in my childhood.   Now that I have been blogging for a little while and also transitioned to some new places in my life I am feeling that I would like to expand beyond these topics though they might still be the predominant factors in my life a lot of the time, or of course the “undertone” throughout my writing.

The very first line on my “About” page currently starts with the very point-blank statement “I am sick.”, and that is a very accurate statement and one I needed to make at that time for a number of reasons; First being that I wanted to make sure to be completely candid about the fact that a Chronic Illness has completely turned my life upside down.  It affects just about every choice I make and filters through every part of my life.  Every day.   Another reason I felt compelled to make this statement so clearly was because I wanted to make sure that I didn’t allow myself to fall into denial of what I am dealing with and I wanted to force myself to stop acting like sickness is something that I needed to hold my head down for, to be ashamed of.

Now I am writing from a very different place.  I HAVE accepted that I am sick.  I don’t try to deny it or pretend that it isn’t there.  I don’t feel ashamed that this is something that I deal with.  It hasn’t stopped affecting my life, it hasn’t resolved, gone away, or even gotten better.  But I am different now.  I am writing from a place of wholeness.  Being sick is not WHO I am.  It is a part of who I am at this time (and likely always will be), a BIG part, but I am more than just sick.  In so many ways I am WELL actually.  I have healed from so much that had been holding me back for so long.  I see growth and learning where there were formerly open wounds, confusion, and self loathing.

I am an entrepreneur, I am a devoted mother, I am a photographer, I am an employer, I am a friend, a sister, a daughter, a wife, an artist, a writer, an advocate for many causes, and of course there are more facets to myself that I am leaving out and many new areas that are in formation that I have yet to uncover (scary isn’t it?? J).  I am more confident than I have ever been, yet of course still learning and growing in many many ways.

I am…

“Becoming”. 

Not yet at my destination (should we ever be?), but in constant motion and on an introspective journey to apply what I have learned thus far, (phew! And this is certainly a challenge to go from recognition to action!)  that I am sincerely loving and embracing as my mission and purpose in life.

That being said, I am feeling the need to revamp my blog and write from THIS place versus as someone who is sick, or someone who has been a victim, though these are included in the whole that is me.

So…will see where this goes.  Kind of exciting to watch things evolve.

Thanks for being along on the ride.

Transparency

Here it is

All of it

No holding back

Not the slightest bit

Here I am

Judge and throw stones

Embrace and applaud

Do what you will

I am here still.

 

Transparency, this is all of me.

There is none to gain, from hiding pain.

I know I risk it all.  But either way I’m gonna fall, either way I’m going to fall.

So take it.  Leave it.  Walk away or pull me close.  In the end it’s all the same.

There is none to gain, from hiding pain.

 

Your words

Well they sting

I’m not going to lie

Your eyes say it all

But go ahead and continue

To fill your mind with superior thoughts

That is your right

Do what you will

I am here still

Your smiles

I do take pride

Like you owe them to me

Your accolades

I desire them

And approval is a deep craving

But I know they all fade

So please… just do what you will

And I will keep being.  I will be here still.

 

A False Finish Line

Some thoughts that have been mulling around in my head today when my

body is telling me that I am done. Thought someone out there may need to hear

this.

If I would have stopped the first time that I thought that there was no more

positive in life ahead for me, my life would have been over at seventeen. When

running a race you know of “false starts”, but in life it seems you have to watch

out for “false finish lines”. Want to know if there is something better ahead for

you? Check your pulse. If you have one, there is something good coming. So

don’t you dare quit yet.