Mind versus Body

Hey strangers,

I know it’s been a long while.  Just thought I’d jump in where I am, rather than trying to catch up.

Came across this today, and it was just what I needed to hear.  Thought maybe some of you needed to hear it as well.  The anger I feel when my body isn’t functioning the way it is *supposed* to, is intense, it’s absolutely hateful and unfair.  I can only recognize this and gain a healthy perspective by asking myself how I would advise a friend that was suffering with chronic illness, because well… these things with me can be quite the double standard, as I tend to have a rather abusive relationship with myself, and would never treat anyone else that way.  I know (intellectually), that it makes things worse when I dish out negative self talk, self sabotage, etc, however, it is so deeply engrained as my “go to” response to feeling poorly, that changing this habit is like turning the Titanic.  One of my goals in 2015 is to treat myself with respect in this regard, and take better care of myself.  In order to do this, I will have to work on forgiving my body for not doing what it’s supposed to, acknowledge that it is suffering, and come to some sort of peaceful relationship.  Not going to be easy, but I will persist!  Hope this encourages you to do the same.



Deep Thoughts at Midnight…

Not much of a rhythm to my rambling, but thought I’d share the thoughts anyway…



We all run like we are invincible, and we don’t know why we are running any more

Day after day, invincible, and no one knows what they are standing for

Midnight strikes again and here I am, wondering if my yesterday’s were enough.

If my time was up, and you stack it up, would it carry on, if I were gone?

I am just a carpenter with tools and vision and hope to create something that will change the world.

We are all just trying to change the world.


Sitting outside on a quiet night, talking life and death and questioning it all

I held you close and told you it would be ok, that “time heals all wounds”

We remembered and we reminisced and I felt the breeze on my skin

I wondered if the life we live might be compared to that gentle wind

I thought of “God”, and how we define and decide what’s important to Him

How He’s who we’ve created in our minds eye, how we’ve interpreted the text

So complicated, so intricate, the beginning of many wars

But the thought – “God is love” in its simplicity and innocence made me ask what the fight is for?


If I am created by and for Love.

I will recognize and appreciate the beauty around me.

I will empathize with the pain.

I will use my hands to build a platform to reach higher, a boat to sail further, and I will go beyond the limitations that are merely the end of my scope and vision

I will push further, try harder, and the only fight I will fight is against the painful obstacles of life, against the walls of bitterness, fight to educate, to squelch the hate that rears its ugly head when ignorance is easier than understanding

I will say “fuck you” to the intolerance, the social stigma, the “mold” that is supposed to hold me so that I fit well with society.  I will *not* fit.

Shame on us for being comfortable.

If I am created by and for Love then

I don’t need your social pressure to dictate to me what is North or South, because I see you wandering directionless through the crowd, and I know that I can only follow my internal conviction and measure the truth against this one thing.

Like the wind on that summer night, the people who have come and gone from my life, the ones who have influenced, with honor, integrity, and grace –

Softly they danced, they floated, they traveled by, leaving Love’s sweet kiss on my face

The heroes are the gentle ones, much against our nature

The battle is not amongst one another at all

But instead is ours to internally master.










Someday I’m gonna make some money

And when I do I’m gonna buy me some energy

Take things back to where they used to be

Back to the days where mornings began

With joy and zest and a refreshed plan

Or maybe I’ll buy a magic wand

And make my body young and strong

Lift this fog filling my head

Set a fire to this damn bed

Someday that’s what I’ll do

I promise I’ll buy what you want too


Someday I’m gonna find my stride

I’ll pick you up and we can go for a ride

I’ll bring along a little happiness

You can drink it up & then we’ll laugh at this

You’ll look back & you’ll forget

What it once felt like to have regret

Maybe I’ll bring a little freedom too

And I will pour it all over you

I’ll brand this day with my new tattoo

Someday that’s what I’ll do

But today I’ll just be sad with you


I would never have created this

This structure that I perceived to be the end of me

But now that I’m here I clearly see

The girl I wasshe was killing me

No one should have to hurt that way

The pain I feel now pales against that day

You can torture me with this make believe

But I’ll be fine after I grieve

I’ll shake that off and I’ll wear it well

And the ghosts from the past can stay in hell

Because that’s a place I no longer dwell


Yes, sometimes I read history

But I leave it where it’s supposed to be

And they are still there, it’s plain to see

Sad, it’s true, but it has to be

Some of us are satisfied

To live our lives with narrow minds

To close our eyes to the pain we’ve caused

Bound to our choices, bound to what was

But I’m not sorry to say that I’m moving on

I’ll miss them there, but they’ve withdrawn

I’m gonna go on… and on… and on


So here’s to the ones who have overcome

The pain, like a loss, will fade on its own

As long as we walk, as long as we’ve grown

The past gives us strength to make a new home

I think I’m going to paint the walls

Plant a garden, dance down the halls

And ya maybe I’ll make some money

But I don’t need it to make this place sunny

Maybe I’ll just open the doors

Give what I have to you and yours

Use this peace to subdue the wars


And friend I think I’ve found my stride

So ya, let’s go ahead and take that ride

I’ll leave behind the magic wand

It’s not perfect, but there’s more beyond

I’ll still give you that happiness

We’ll still throw our heads back and laugh at this

Please don’t forget…let’s just reminisce

Just steal a glance in the rearview

But know that it’s all a part of you

And without you, what would we do?

It’s not perfection but let’s see it through

The Secrets That We Hold Dear

There is a web that often forms with abuse that can entangle you without ever alarming you of the fact that you are caught in its net.  The web is made up of secrets.  Secrets containing honesty, secrets containing pain…secrets that form and contribute to your true perspective and evaluation of a situation.  The most confusing aspect of this web is that its nature is so crafty and completely deceptive that it can very quickly lead you to sincerely feel that the very trap that you are being held in is not a trap at all, but that it is actually protecting you and keeping you safe.   Continue reading