I’ve been waiting for the blog fairy to pay me a visit and sprinkle a little inspirational dust my way, but it’s been a while and I am beginning to realize that she may just not show. So with or without her, I shall proceed.
Today I find myself feeling hopeful as I look towards a new week and what I also believe is a new chapter in my life. I realize that I have been in a very lengthy “waiting period” as I have been waiting to find solutions, waiting for recovery, waiting for healing, for answers. And life, as it tends to do has continued to go on around me and has not waited for a moment by my side.
So that brings me back to today. Today I recognize that I have been neglecting a number of areas in my life. Areas that contribute to making a person feel like a person, a woman feel like a woman, an individual feel like an individual, and I know that is not acceptable and nor is it helpful to me as I try to grow and go forward. This realization didn’t actually start today. I move way slower than that! I have been processing and analyzing these feelings for a number of weeks and am just now beginning to give all of this a little shape and meaning.
I have been taking some new steps with my health, which I will write about in another blog, but the bottom line is that I am beginning to see little glimpses of hope in the possibility of becoming stronger physically. As I began to let this hope slip in (which for the record, at this present time “hope” has to be very persistent to get through the walls I have created over the years in this area in order for me to even acknowledge it slightly), I simultaneously, gradually began to feel more and more unsettled inside. In fact, I felt so absolutely conflicted and unhappy with my present circumstances and longing for newness that as I was walking out of a store with my daughter I suddenly and impulsively grabbed an application and applied for a job there! Mind you – Intellectually I know that a new job is not the answer, and particularly one with such limited flexibility, but the need to feel qualified and capable, and the need to feel human was becoming so strong that I just wanted to grab on to any change as if it were a string tied to a helium balloon and just float away with it. I actually went on to apply and get offered several jobs over the course of the next few weeks, only to be reminded that the opportunity for income and the flexibility that I require is at best where I am, in my own company. I am thankful for the gift of being able to do what I love to do and do it in an environment that is accommodating to my physical limitations, but if not a job… what was I looking for?
So here I am, after several weeks of this unsettled search for something, and I am recognizing that neglect is in fact the source of my deep agitation and dissatisfaction. I have slowly learned to make my health and medical care a priority and though that requires our financial resources and time, I have a greater feeling of peace about this than I have in the past. Not guilt free yet, but maybe a little less guilt than I previously inflicted on myself for watching these resources be used. This is progress, and I am going to continue to try to invest in these areas and do so with more confidence and peace. I have however, failed to notice that as this one area has developed, I have slowly decreased the value and investment into other areas in my life. It’s as if I made a trade in order to ease my conscience. So the remaining parts of me and the balance in my life have become quite depleted and off kilter. Even in the very simplest of areas. No wonder I have felt so unsettled.
I have recently resorted to merely existing and taking up space, but not actually putting value into that existence or treating myself with the respect tending to other areas in my life. I am aware that I don’t have unlimited resources to make up for lost time and take care of everything in one fail swoop. But I do have some resources. And in the same way that my two beautiful girls have their hair cut, their clean & presentable clothes, are current on their dentist appointments, & have plenty of “extras”, and just as my husband feels confident in his clean, dependable car and his personal appearance as he goes about his day, I have a need within me to be respected in this way as well. And the lack of respect has not come from those around me. The lack of respect has begun within me, and will only begin to change with small adjustments, little investments and acknowledgements, until it becomes a new habit and perspective.
So today is a new day. It is Monday, A start of a new week, a start of a new awareness, and another step towards health of a new kind.
But You Can't Take My Voice 